Category Archives: sex after fifty

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Shadow work and sexual pleasure after 50 years of age

Shadow work and sexual pleasure

Shadow work involves exploring the unconscious parts of yourself—your “shadow”—that you might suppress, ignore, or deny. These hidden aspects can stem from past experiences, emotional wounds, or ingrained beliefs. By bringing them to light, you can heal and integrate them, fostering self-awareness and deeper connections with others.

When it comes to improving sexual relationships after 50, shadow work can be transformative in several ways. To start with, many people carry unresolved emotional baggage from past relationships, childhood, or cultural conditioning, which can manifest as shame, guilt, or fear around sex and intimacy. Shadow work helps identify and heal these underlying emotions, releasing inhibitions and fostering more open, honest communication with a partner. For example, you might have developed certain beliefs about aging and sexuality, such as feeling less attractive or capable. Through shadow work, you can address these internalized negative beliefs, embrace your sexuality, and feel more confident in intimate moments.

As couples age, it’s common for sexual desire to shift or decrease due to various factors like hormonal changes, stress, or routine. Shadow work can help uncover the subconscious blocks or unresolved emotions that may contribute to a lack of desire. By exploring hidden feelings of resentment, fear of vulnerability, or even boredom, you can reignite passion and strengthen your emotional and physical bond.

Sexual intimacy is deeply connected to emotional vulnerability. Shadow work can help you recognize patterns where you may have withheld your true emotions or desires, either out of fear of rejection or past experiences of being hurt. By facing these shadow aspects, you become more comfortable expressing your needs and desires, leading to deeper intimacy and better communication with your partner.

For instance, you may realize that you’ve been avoiding certain topics or desires because of past shame or embarrassment. Once you bring those feelings into awareness, you can talk openly with your partner, creating a space where both of you can explore your sexuality without judgment.

Cultural or familial conditioning often instills shame or guilt around sex, especially as people age. Shadow work can help uncover the origins of these feelings and release them. This process allows you to redefine your sexual identity, feeling more empowered and liberated in your sexuality regardless of age. For example, society might imply that sexual activity after a certain age is less important or desirable. Shadow work can challenge these limiting beliefs, helping you embrace your sexuality in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

Shadow work fosters greater self-awareness, which enhances emotional intimacy with your partner. By exploring and integrating hidden fears, doubts, or insecurities, you become more attuned to your partner’s emotional world as well. This shared vulnerability deepens the emotional connection, which often translates into more fulfilling sexual experiences. This book will explain shadow work and the human archetypes of King, Warrior, Magician and Lover.

As you both do shadow work, you can learn to see each other more fully, appreciating not just the physical connection but the deeper emotional bond that intimacy provides. Sexuality naturally evolves over time. Shadow work helps you embrace this evolution without judgment or fear. You may discover new aspects of your sexual self that you hadn’t explored before, which can bring a sense of renewal to your relationship. Whether it’s exploring different forms of physical intimacy or redefining what pleasure means for both of you, shadow work can open new doors to satisfying sexual experiences.

For those over 50, shadow work can be a powerful tool to enhance sexual relationships by addressing deep-seated emotions, improving communication, and reigniting passion. It’s about fostering a more open, vulnerable, and authentic connection with both yourself and your partner. By doing this inner work, you can cultivate a more fulfilling and intimate sexual relationship that transcends age-related barriers.

Archetypes and sexual pleasure

In the context of archetypes, which are symbolic patterns of human behavior and personality, there are certain male and female archetypes that strongly relate to sexual pleasure and intimacy. These archetypes embody different energies, emotions, and aspects of desire that influence how people express and experience their sexuality. Below are some of the key archetypes for both men and women that are closely connected to sexual pleasure.

Female Archetypes Related to Sexual Pleasure

The Lover

The Lover archetype embodies sensuality, passion, playfulness, eroticism, and emotional connection, pleasure, and passion. S/he is fully in touch with his/her body, emotions, and sensuality. The Lover seeks intimacy, connection, and indulgence in physical pleasure. She embraces her sexuality openly and without shame, making her deeply connected to the experience of sexual pleasure and intimacy.

Women embodying the Lover archetype often feel free to explore their sexuality, indulge in pleasure, and connect emotionally with their partners during intimate moments. This archetype encourages being fully present in the moment and enjoying the sensuality of touch and connection.

The Queen

The Queen archetype is deeply confident and rooted in her own power, confidence, sovereignty, nurturing, and deep connection.. She knows her worth and commands respect, both in and out of the bedroom. Her sexuality is grounded in confidence and emotional intelligence, and she seeks pleasure in deep, committed connections. Sexual pleasure for the Queen is often enhanced through emotional bonding and a sense of being honoured and cherished. Her sexual expression is often deeply satisfying when it is combined with emotional intimacy and mutual respect, elevating her sexual experiences.

The Wild Woman

 The Wild Woman archetype is raw, uninhibited, and in touch with her primal instincts. She seeks pleasure that is intense, spontaneous, and untamed, often disregarding societal expectations or constraints. The Wild Woman is all about exploring her sexual energy in a liberated and fearless way. Her sexual pleasure often comes from following her instincts and fully embracing her body’s desires without holding back. She thrives in passion and intensity, making her sexual encounters deeply fulfilling and exhilarating.

The Priestess

 Spirituality, intuition, mysticism, and sacred sexuality help the Priestess archetype see sexual pleasure as a sacred, transformative experience. She approaches intimacy with a sense of spirituality and views sexual encounters as a way to connect with the divine or higher self.  For the Priestess, sexual pleasure is more than just physical; it’s an act of spiritual union and deep connection with both oneself and a partner. Her sexual experiences are often heightened by rituals, mindfulness, and an intention to align with higher states of consciousness through sex.

Male Archetypes Related to Sexual Pleasure

The Lover

Like the female counterpart, the male Lover archetype is deeply in touch with his senses, emotions, and the power of intimacy. He experiences sexual pleasure as an emotional and physical union, seeking to connect with his partner on multiple levels. The Lover is fully present in intimate moments and derives pleasure from both giving and receiving. He seeks to please his partner as much as he wants to be pleased, making the sexual experience a mutual exploration of passion, touch, and emotional connection.

The King

The King archetype is powerful, confident, and deeply secure in his masculinity. He takes responsibility in his relationships and is a protector and provider. When it comes to sexuality, he exudes confidence and a strong desire to satisfy his partner.  The King archetype derives sexual pleasure from being in control, but not in a dominating or selfish way. His pleasure comes from deeply satisfying his partner and ensuring that both partners feel fulfilled. Read about Finding the King archetype‘s confidence and qualities – all of which make sexual encounters satisfying for both parties, as the King leads with strength and presence.

The Warrior

The Warrior archetype is fierce, assertive, and physically powerful. His approach to sexuality is driven by passion, physicality, and an intense desire to conquer and protect. He values strength and often experiences sexual pleasure in a more primal, instinctual way. The Warrior archetype seeks pleasure through physical intensity and enjoys expressing his dominance in consensual, passionate encounters. The Warrior has sexual energy which may be raw and aggressive, yet balanced by a deep sense of protection and loyalty toward his partner.

The Magician

The Magician archetype is mysterious, creative, and in touch with the deeper, unseen aspects of reality. He brings a sense of playfulness, surprise, and mysticism to his relationships, making his sexual experiences unpredictable and exciting. The Magician archetype thrives on creating an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue in his intimate encounters. His sexual pleasure often comes from experimentation, novelty, and the ability to transform the mundane into the magical. He is open to exploring new ideas, fantasies, and experiences to heighten pleasure for both himself and his partner.

As you can see, the Lover archetype is central to both male and female expressions of sexual pleasure, emphasizing sensuality, passion, and emotional connection. For men, archetypes like the King and Warrior highlight confidence, strength, and primal desire, while the Magician adds an element of creativity and mystery. For women, the Queen and Wild Woman bring forth themes of confidence, power, and untamed sensuality, while the Priestess offers a deeper, spiritual approach to sexuality.

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Myths About Sex After 50 (Which Men & Women Believe)

Here, we look at some common myths about sex after 50 that women hold. MYTHS!

You can’t have good long-term sex in a relationship.

Start by refocusing your energy, in particular your sexual energy, from anything outside your existing relationship, and back into your relationship. Then, there is every reason to think you can have wonderful sex with your committed partner for years to come.

Video – sex in a long term relationship

If you believe that you’re currently in a relationship with the wrong person, that might be different issue. Even there I’d ask if you’ve devoted energy to trying to put things right and establish a better relationship. (As opposed to just making the assumption that your relationship is doomed. Ultimately, of course, only you know the answer to that question.)

There’s a rather similar related issue here: the belief that monogamy is unnatural. That’s often put forward as a justification for unfaithfulness. Here’s one point of view on this.

In strict socio-biological terms, monogamy is not natural…but what makes us different a a species is that we at least have the means to make a choice. We can decide whether we wish to sustain sexual monogamy with one other person for the rest of our lives (or at least for as long as the relationship lasts).

Bear in mind also, that what you call good sex depends how you define it.…. number of orgasms? Amount of pleasure – even if that comes from seeing your partner happy rather than having an orgasm yourself?

Just enjoying the chance to express your sexuality? How do you define good sex? Is that a definition your partner would agree with? Have you ever asked them what makes sex good for them?

Video  – what is good sex for men?

Video  – what is good sex for women?

We can’t control who we fall in love with.

This is a myth that has driven people’s choice of partner for a very long time. The reality is actually very different. We all make choices about who we fall in love with, whether we know it or not.

These choices are based on

  • who is geographically available
  • the kind of relationship we want
  • the kind of person we want to have a relationship with
  • the needs that we believe will be met in relationship with someone
  • the excitement we want to experience in relationship
  • the sort of person that we find physically attractive
  • the needs we have that we believe a person can meet
  • and the degree of self-actualisation that we think we will achieve in relationship with a particular person.

Relationships are not generated randomly; affairs of the heart are a myth, in the sense that we all actively choose our partner from the pool of people available to us.

What this means in practice is that if you choose to have an affair, you’re not just blindly falling in love. Rather, you’re fulfilling some need, perhaps one in the list above. A need that you see as giving you potentially more gratification than your existing relationship.

Attraction Always Leads to Sex

To believe this is to believe that our sexual arousal and sexual desire is an uncontrollable beast waiting to overcome us with its unimaginable power. It’s a myth!

Whether you feel like a teenager or not, lusting after every possible sexual outlet is immature. You have a choice about acting or not acting on your sexual desire. To be sexually aroused is a pleasurable thing – no doubt about it. But it really does NOT have to be taken any further. But over 50, such things can seem compelling. It may seem important to act on an urge which is, perhaps unusually for you at this age, strong.

But just because you have an erection, or you feel yourself getting wet, does not mean that you are in the grip of an uncontrollable process which will inevitably take you to bed with person who is the object of your lust.

Even if you’re dancing with somebody and you feel aroused, or you’re flirting with them and they respond to you, that does not mean you have to take it any further!

Instead, take those urges home to your primary relationship, and use the energy you’ve generated to increase the quality and frequency of sex with your partner.

Age inhibits sex, or the pleasure of sex

It may be that comparison with past performance or past ability or past potency leaves you feeling inadequate in midlife. Certainly the rampant erection of your youth may have softened, your erect penis may no longer point to the heavens, and it may indeed get soft during sex more easily than it used to do. But sex after 50 can be better than ever before. Read this to find out why.

Certainly the level of desire that you feel may have lessened and softened and mellowed. And the length of time between penetration and and orgasm may have increased. But does any of this matter if you are still just as capable of initiating sexual activity and just as capable as getting as much pleasure from it as you always did?

True, in midlife and beyond you may need physical stimulation to get an erection. You may need longer periods of thrusting after penetration to reach ejaculation. (You may even have delayed ejaculation.) You may not be able to get erect again as soon after a session of sex as you once could. (You may even have erectile dysfunction.)

But none of these changes need spoil sex or the pleasure you derive from it. If you have problems getting erect there is Viagra. If you have problems with you sexual drive there is testosterone replacement therapy.

So much of what we believe about midlife changes around male sexuality is clearly a myth. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that women who go through the menopause fall into two broad groups: the first made up of women who lose interest in sex, and the second of women who find the menopause to be sexually liberating and a gateway to greater sexual activity.

The difference appears to be that the first group of women simply believe that women lose interest in sex after the menopause. The second group of women believe that freedom from menstruation, fear of pregnancy, and the need to use contraception, is a liberation which will improve their sex lives. And as you believe, so shall you experience.

Men want a perfect woman in bed with them

As you may have noticed, however, most men are with partners who do not have perfect bodies. The simple truth is that the supply of physical perfection is a little bit thin on the ground nowadays.

So what, you may say to yourself, men just make do with what they can get. Yet, in general, men are far less critical of women’s bodies than are women themselves.

 The reality is that most women are extremely critical of their own bodies, and very conscious of what may be wrong: whether that is breast size, the amount of fat on their bodies, the tightness of their vaginas, slackness of their butts, the double chin… or whatever. (Men tend to be more conscious of the size of their penis, but are subject to other self-doubts and self denigration.)

But to focus on what is wrong with our bodies, or what we believe to be wrong with our bodies, just reinforces those issues in our minds (and indeed in the minds of our partners).

 If you are told something is bad for long enough you come to believe it; if you focus on the good things instead, then those become predominant in your consciousness. Monogamy is not about avoiding reality: it is about embracing it. Sex in a monogamous relationship is not about desiring perfection: it’s about appreciating the beauty of what you have. (For help in changing the limiting beliefs you hold, professional support from a therapist trained in such arts as shadow work can be helpful.)

That may sound like a trite statement but actually it has a profound truth in it. That is simply this: we are all responsible for how we look and we are all responsible for how fit and healthy we are.

To complain about our appearance without making any effort to change it is rather sad, because loving and accepting our bodies is certainly necessary before our partners can be expected to love and accept them.

Remember the old expression “beauty comes from within”? Well, you are what you believe: if you believe you are attractive, you become more attractive.

sex after fifty

Sex After 50 Can Be Great!

Many people think that sex after 50 doesn’t exist, and that sex is the preserve of bright young things – teenagers and 20-year-olds, perhaps 30-year-olds at a stretch.

But the truth the matter is that people over 50 are just as interested in sex as anybody else – and sex in midlife can be wonderful.

One of the problems is that myths are spreading in society about what we can expect from sex in our later years – for example, there’s a common belief that people lose interest in sex after a certain age. The truth is that while sex may occur less frequently, our interest in sex doesn’t diminish: what does change, however, is the nature of sex and the quality of the factors that play into our sexual desire.

For example, it’s been demonstrated that people over 50 need a better quality relationship to get sexual satisfaction and pleasure than those in their 20s and 30s.

This is because we enjoy sexual connection and intimacy more as we get older – for example, it may become an affirmation of the relationship rather than just the release of sexual desire, perhaps.
It’s also a commonly held myth that men will become less functional sexually as they get older – perhaps suffering erectile dysfunction.

The truth is not so simple: men may experience low sexual desire because they have less testosterone, but what they actually need to get an erection is direct physical stimulation to the penis rather than just relying on their imagination or indeed their historical expected response – to get aroused – from simply being near a woman who wants to be sexually intimate.

And it’s certainly true that erections can be less firm as a man gets older, but that doesn’t make any difference to the pleasure of sex. The use of lubricant, either natural or artificial, will ensure that penetration and enjoyable intercourse is still possible.

On the female side of this equation, a lot of people believe that women become much less interested in sex after menopause – but the truth is diametrically opposite.

Freed from the burden of pregnancy, and the possibility of becoming pregnant, women can release their energies more freely during sexual intercourse and intimacy.

The main problems they face are about hormonal levels – vaginal dryness, in particular, can be a problem which causes discomfort during sex. Fortunately there are medications which are available such as estrogen supplementation in pellet form which can be placed directly in the vagina.

And it’s certainly untrue that a woman loses her ability to reach orgasm she gets older – that’s ludicrous! Often a woman’s orgasm frequency and intensity is much greater after the menopause.

When men can’t get an erection, they tend to lose a major part of their self-image of being a fertile and sexual man. Often the problem is physical – circulation problems, prostate problems, and sometimes side effects of prescription medications can all affect a man’s ability to get an erection. These PHYSICAL  causes account for the vast majority of erectile difficulties.

Of course sex won’t stay the same as you get older, that’s inevitable because your fitness and health change, and it can be difficult, for example, to get into certain sexual positions.

But it’s important to keep sight of the fact that if you’re in a long-term relationship, you almost certainly know your partner very intimately indeed, and you’ll be very familiar with each other’s bodies.

This allows for a greater level of relaxation and confidence during sexual activity, and this in turn will produce much better and more enjoyable sex for both the man and the woman.

And because (inevitably) hormones are declining, and your sex drive with them, in many cases sex becomes the result of emotional attachment rather than simply physical desire – which makes it more satisfying and fulfilling for almost everybody.

(Hormone replacement therapy for men is available, in case you didn’t know that fact.)

Where a couple find sex less rewarding and fulfilling, the reason is likely to be some kind of emotional issue – perhaps a man or his partner has failed to accept the fact that aging is inevitable, with all the implications this has for damage to self-image.

Moving gracefully into old age is vital, and to accept who you are as you get older, may not be a simple process. It relies on emotional stability, emotional maturity, and acceptance of what is, rather than what you would like things to be.

Strangely enough, women tend find this process more easy than men – which is probably something to do with men having to retire and give up their work; this forms a massive part of most men’s self-identity throughout most of their life.

If you’re experiencing any difficulty about the changes happening to you in midlife, it’s well with finding a therapist or counsellor who has experience in this field.

 

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Sex after fifty

Suggestions for women and men over 50 years of age

There is a widespread view that sex for women ends around the time of the menopause. And indeed, many women beyond 50 don’t seem to have much of a sex life.

Unfortunately, this problem isn’t limited to women who’ve gone through the menopause: in 1999 the American Medical Association published a study which revealed that as many as 43% of women aged between 18 and 59 have experienced some sexual problem – lack of desire, pain during intercourse, low arousal, performance anxiety, or anorgasmia.

What is more surprising is that these sexual problems were not limited to any particular age group: another study revealed that 36% of women with sexual problems were aged below 40, 32% were in their 40s and 50s, and 31% had gone through the menopause. That shows age alone isn’t the cause of the reduction in a woman’s sexual desire and activity.

In fact, some experts have argued that women can have the best sex of their lives after they’ve gone through the menopause.

This isn’t just because the menopause provides a natural breakpoint in life which gives women a very good reason to examine how their lives are working, and perhaps to change what they’re doing, it’s also because women of this age have the wisdom and sexual experience to be fully in tune with their sexuality and to enjoy it to the full.

The question is of course how many women over 50 are aware of this, and how many of them know how to grasp their sexual potential and enjoy it to the full.

Myths and facts about men over 50

Culturally, we live in a society where women over 50 have traditionally not been seen as particularly sexually active, and certainly not sexually active with men much younger than themselves.

However, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence that men in their 30s, and possibly even younger, find women in their 50s increasingly attractive.

Sex is entering a whole new territory: men over 50 may find that their erections are less certain and less firm, and that their overall level of sexual desire has decreased.

Dating advice for men over 50

Women over 50, given all the advantages of a place in life where they can relinquish responsibility for family and home, begin to focus more on themselves; potentially they have more discretionary income and the freedom to help them enjoy it; above all, these days, they may find themselves the object of sexual desire from men in a way they never expected to encounter at this time of life.

And, of course, the other thing that helps women cope with life changes is that they are used to them – for women, change in status and expectations are common as they move from adolescence into young womanhood, then to marriage or relationship, then to motherhood.

raisingboysLater, as they let the children go, they move into the adventures of midlife and the menopause…no wonder a woman has the experience of and ability to cope with change!

Furthermore, after the age of 50 a woman has no agenda about having children, and her biological clock has stopped ticking. She’s probably overcome the fantasy of a man riding in to save her on a white charger (metaphorically speaking!); she may not expect a man to rescue her or carry her off in a dream of romance; she is probably learning how to live fully in her own sexuality and wisdom, despite the things in life that may have disappointed her and the dreams that may not have been fulfilled.

Empowered and accepting it’s OK to be sexual, a woman around this age can explore her sexuality, possibly seek romance, and certainly expect to achieve sexual satisfaction.

This is something that can happen to all women, not just those who find themselves single in midlife: women in a stable, long-term, committed relationship can move from a place where sex is either unsatisfying or infrequent to a place where sex is an important part of everyday life, and provides many satisfying orgasms.

In short, 50 can represent the start of a whole new phase of life; even though you’ve lived through the fertile years of adulthood and perhaps brought up children, fifty represents a time of potential transition from first adulthood to second adulthood.

What’s more, if you’re healthy when you reach 50 your chance of getting to a ripe old age is very high: a woman in the US free of cancer and heart disease at the age of 50 can now expect to live to 92, according to epidemiological research.

Gail Sheehy coined the terms first adulthood and second adulthood. She said that in our first adulthood we’re simply consumed with moving from A to B to C — meaning, I assume, that we move from one stage of life to another almost inevitably as people have done for generations: moving out of the family home, separating from our parents, testing our ability to survive as independent adults, developing intimate relationships, and gaining the skills and abilities that we need to support ourselves in life before we put down our own roots, and then have a family.

Obviously it’s a mistake to believe that you can hang onto the same values that sustain you up to age 50 in the years beyond that, for the expectations that life puts on you are quite different, and so are the responsibilities that you will have.

In other words, you need to adapt your expectations and beliefs about life and yourself to be able to enjoy your second adulthood beyond fifty years of age, and to feel less anxiety and greater self-confidence and fulfillment.

A natural transition beyond the age of 50 for both men and women is to find yourself feeling less competitively driven, feeling a pull to take on a role that is more like that of mentor or teacher to those younger than yourself.

living the passionate life, sex after fifty

What’s Your Life Going To Look Like After 50 ?

Slowing Down After 50 Years

Of course, it’s entirely possible that you can, say, start a business and remain busy, achieving “great things”, but in general the pace of life slows down.

The mellowing that occurs in the majority of people after the age of 50 means that their focus may well be different to the years before: perhaps more spiritual, directed to greater self-fulfilment, and in the area of sexuality, certainly devoted to exploration, finding satisfaction, and maybe even having new adventures.

And at the same time, we recognize that these are easy words to say, because many women are trapped in marriages where sex has died, or where the relationship itself is simply not fulfilling any longer. The question for many women then is: do I stay or do I go?

And what is going to happen to me? Is this about this emotional fulfilment, or sexual fulfilment, or both? As far as this website is concerned, the emphasis is on achieving greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction, no matter what your life situation, after the age of 50.

Sexual Pleasure For Women After 50

We will have a look at many issues as we go through the various aspects of achieving sexual satisfaction after 50, including male sexual desire (or, rather, the lack of it!), how a relationship can grow rather than stultify, and most importantly of all, how it is possible to achieve greater sexual satisfaction and pleasure even in the face of what appears to be a lowered sex drive.

A woman in her 50s is often moving from a position where she serves others like parents, teachers, husbands, lovers, partners, and other powerful people, into a place where she seeks greater mastery and independence: a fulfilment of her own emotional, physical and career potential.

She can stop pleasing other people, and start pleasing herself; she may feel a sense of power, or a desire to achieve independence and fulfilment in some other way.

Possibly what underlies all of this is a search for meaning that emerges round about midlife in most human beings.

The search for meaning encompasses many things, and its exact nature is different in almost everyone, because what is emotionally and psychologically significant to each of us is slightly different.

What lies at the root of the search for meaning is a search for personal fulfillment.

This can take any form — you can think of it, in shorthand, as the opportunity to actually achieve something personally significant.

Along with this change there ought to be a natural sense of something evolving (or dying) as you give birth to new dreams, new aspirations, new expectations, and hopefully more fulfilling relationships.

It seems that women over 50 are not as willing as they once were to settle for the stability of a marriage that has no intimacy, emotional connection, or sexual fulfillment.

Gail Sheehy interviewed hundreds of women in the course of writing her book “Sex and the seasoned woman”, and she had access to the membership of The Third Age, an online website with more than a million members, designed to focus on the needs of midlife adults.

Her interviews and research in this group demonstrated that women seem to divide fairly natural into five groups which she called: Passionates; Seekers; WMDs (women married, dammit!); SQs (status quos); and LLs (lowered libidos).

The Passionates, who represented 40% of the total, were described as healthy, independent, sexy women anywhere between their late 40s and their 80s. 

They usually had a measure of financial independence, and passionate about their work or a cause, and usually involved with someone romantically — whether that be post-divorce or in a long-term marriage. These women often say that they enjoy more romance and novelty in their sex play since the children left home, and many of them have been widowed, but have found new sexual relationships easily.

Seekers look forward to new relationships eagerly, anticipating the pleasure of being in sexual relationship with great satisfaction.

Judging by the descriptions that Sheehy gives of her interviewees and participants, these women have always found sex important, but in this period of their life it assumes a new importance: their orgasms are more powerful and more satisfying, and there may be a blossoming of their sexuality.

The third category that Sheehy identified was that of WMD.

These women represented 15% of the total. They were women who were frustrated by marriages that had been sexually or emotionally empty for some time, or women who felt victimized by a man who was an alcoholic, an adulterer, or lacking in fundamental masculine values (power, compassion, inner strength, vulnerability, etc).

Unfortunately these women didn’t feel ready to change direction, and they didn’t have a passionate interest that could provide them with the energy to change direction.

Most of these women had given up on sex: they were too angry, or too busy, or too resentful, and many of them were looking for reciprocity in their relationships — and not finding it. Some of them were having affairs; some were eager to have sex; in general they didn’t find their partners satisfying, and their marriages were failing to provide fulfillment.

Next, Sheehy identified the SQs or status quos, 12% of the total.

These women were resigned rather than happy. Like the WMDs, they didn’t have a burning dream or a new love, but felt that maintaining the status quo was preferable to the risk and discomfort of any change. In many cases they had long-standing marriages, though sex had often dwindled to zero.

However the women didn’t seem to care, for even if their husbands were having affairs, the SQs would turn a blind eye. In general they seemed to have personalities that were anxious or shy, or they lacked the confidence to seek out sexual relationships.

Continued below!

Also – you can get more information here.

 

sex after fifty

The Sexual Path After 50 Years Of Age

The sexual path after fifty – wanting a passionate life

If you’ve not had sex for years, perhaps a decade or more, meeting the right person can revitalize the spark and bring back what you felt was dormant within you. You might have concerns about finding the right person, but the evidence suggests that this is misplaced.

The 2003 AARP study of lifestyles and dating among midlife singles revealed that 75% of women who divorced in their 50s enjoyed a serious one-to-one relationship soon after their divorce, sometimes as early as within two years. (Among men, 81% found a new serious one-to-one relationship.)

There are plenty of ways to find a new relationship: the primary one these days seems to be Internet dating. Gail Sheehy reports that amongst 15,000 respondents to a study conducted by a sociologist at California State University, 50% of women say they are getting more dates, more sex, and more lasting love from online dating adverts than they would by conventional dating.

It’s easy to find out much about a man online by exchanging e-mails with him, a procedure that avoids the tedium of a two-hour dinner if the guy happens to turn out to be totally unsuitable.

Sure, it takes a degree of confidence and enterprise to use online dating services, but like everything else in life, the only way to discover the advantages and benefits is to plunge right in. If you’re interested in doing this we recommend Eharmony.com and Match.com.

Certainly if you’re one of the many women who are feeling a sense of “I can’t go on like this much longer”, then you’re feeling the pull of midlife towards a more passionate existence, and you need to do something about it. And while those are easy words to say, how do you face the enormity of separation or divorce or even leaving a long established partner at a time in life where traditionally you might well have never been able to find another one?

Well, for one thing, we live in a time when women are more empowered than ever before: according to a 2004 study of divorce in midlife by the AARP, two thirds of divorces among couples over aged 40 are initiated by the women; and one third of divorced or single women over 40 are dating younger men; and a single woman in her 50s is more likely to be divorced or never married than widowed.

What has changed here is that women have realized a degree of economic empowerment over the last decade or two that has enabled them to achieve both practical and emotional freedom.

Women are likely to precipitate divorce simply because they can, because they’re in unsatisfactory relationships with men who can’t give them what they know they need.

Along with economic power and better education comes emotional liberation; so nowadays women who suffer the challenges and difficulties of relationships that are far from satisfactory can only tolerate these problems for so long before their true selves emerge and compel them to seek out greater freedom.

No matter that as a woman you may stay with the man for the sake of the children, or for social appearances, or for some other reason; if you’re unhappy, there’ll be a time where you need to seek your own true destiny – whether that be sexual, spiritual, and emotional.

Sometimes a woman’s decision to divorce is initiated by a lack of sex, or by the fact that the husband has established a sexual relationship with another woman; in other cases it is because the husband is alcoholic or chronically abusive in some way, or even that he simply ignores his partner.

All of these situations can provoke women to seek out new dreams and new goals. Of course one of the big issues for women in this situation is whether to actually break up the relationship in the first place or continue with things the way they are.

Many so-called WMD’s want to know what’s on the other side of the break-up before they take the initiative. This emphasizes that having a passionate belief or a desire to pursue some important personal objective can provide the propulsion to make the move out of a failing relationship.

Gail Sheehy

In her book Sex and the Seasoned Woman, Gail Sheehy provides plenty of examples drawn from real life women whom she interviewed while writing her account of midlife changes. We heartily recommend this book.

Rediscovering dreams may not be easy if you’re living in a conservative community or among friends and family who have expectations that you’ll behave in a certain way, or fulfill certain social “requirements”.

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But if making a sudden and dramatic break such as divorce or separation is impossible, you might well ask if it’s possible to reach a different place through a personal evolution, through personal growth.

The answer is “yes”, it is possible, but there are many things to consider, not least amongst them the fact that when one person in a relationship begins to grow, the status quo is disrupted and the other partner is likely to respond in a way intended to maintain the status quo.

It’s a classic dilemma: how to break out of the old pattern of finding your new self without breaking away from family, friends or community?

Gail Sheehy talks about the paradox of love with dual impulses: first, to stay merged, or surrendered, or attached to a stronger person who will anticipate or meet all our needs; second, the opposite impulse to seek independence, become separate, explore your capacities and become masters of your own destiny.

These two needs — one for intimacy, and one for connection with our individuality — struggle for dominance throughout our lives, and it’s quite natural that as we approach midlife, the balance between them will be upset. This tension often plays out in a long-term relationship within the area of intimacy.

There can often be a dramatic divergence between the physical, sexual connection of a couple and the intimate connection of emotional closeness (i.e. sex continues but intimacy vanishes, or the other way round).

Sometimes change comes so quickly that one person within a couple becomes unfocused and rudderless, without a clear path to follow whilst the other builds a new way of life. This imbalance may provoke a renegotiation of the terms of the marriage, or it may provoke a separation in which each person has the opportunity to find what they want to do in the next decades.

Some women and men who find themselves single in crisis set out a list of expectations for their new partner-to-be which are completely unrealistic.

Incredibly high expectations may be appealing but are very unrealistic; and they are certainly not compatible with the personal growth in midlife that can lead you to a more realistic view of your own place in the world and among the people around you.

Any expectations that don’t include an appreciation of human frailty and understanding that a new relationship is an opportunity to grow together to a more spiritual and emotionally connected place are likely to be expectations that induce you to act like your own worst enemy.

Also keep in mind that men and women over 50 don’t have as much energy as they did when they were younger, don’t have bodies that are as perfect as they used to be, and probably don’t have the qualities that would attract a younger person.

Nonetheless the assertiveness and confidence that comes to somebody who is truly growing into their midlife self can provide more than enough energy and persistence to make sure that you don’t remain stuck as a single sexless person, instead finding a new, exciting and passionate life

sex after fifty

Staying Together Means Enjoying Sex After 50

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The romantic renaissance

We mentioned above the phases that Sheehy uses to describe the passage in midlife: the first is the romantic renaissance. It’s a recapitulation of the excitement of the heady days of adolescent romance, an exciting, passionate phase where obsession with the new love object or your new purpose in life precedes the passage into a more reflective, quieter phase of incorporation and integration.

Of course new romantic love can strike at any time in life — it’s just that our cynicism from the wounds that life often inflicts on us as we age may make us feel it’s not going to happen to us.

But it can happen: it can happen to a woman who is divorced, or a woman who is not looking for love, just as easily as it can happen to woman in a long-term relationship who rediscovers her passion and excitement for her husband or partner when they go out on a date after the last child has left home.

It’s been called a “sweet sickness”, but I think that is too negative for a vital part of our human existence — the energy and passion of romantic love or infatuation that drives us on to seek new connection, to explore relationship further, and to grow as an individual.

Dr. Helen Fisher has researched love and sex extensively, and she believes that love is one of the most powerful forces in the human being — certainly more powerful than the drive to have sex.

What makes romantic love so different at the age of 50 or 60 than when you’re 15 or 20 is the fact that you have more options open to you, more wisdom and knowledge, and you can do so many more interesting things.

You bring a rounder, more mature, more informed self to the relationship, and if your partner brings the same qualities, then the potential for more meaningful interaction is much greater than it was when you experienced romantic love during your adolescence.

Sheehy puts it like this: a woman without a partner in middle life must be both hungry enough and bold enough to put effort into seeking a partner — or at least hungry enough or bold enough to put out signals that she is available.

One of the more striking and positive observations that Sheehy found repeated again and again amongst happy mature couples is that the departure of children from the family home can cause a resurgence of romantic love and lead to a truly passionate relationship once again.

No matter that couples move in and out of love as they go through life: the potential for truly exciting romantic love is always there. You may have noticed how the fires of passion are rekindled in your relationship when you go on a vacation, and have more time to devote to your partner.

When you’re passionate about something or someone, sex tends to resurge; equally, passion may provide a couple with enough fuel to go out together and seek new interests. If you remember the feelings that you experienced the first time you fell passionately in love, you’ll recall how dramatically the power of romantic love, of passion, can transform you! Indeed, romantic love can create the energy and impetus to begin new passages in life and undertake new endeavors.

Psychologist Judith Wallerstein asserts that a richly rewarding and stable sex life is not just a fringe benefit of a relationship — she says it’s a central task in a relationship. She maintains that sex serves a very serious purpose in maintaining both the quality and stability of your relationship, serving to replenish emotional reserves and strengthening the bond between the couple.

Revitalizing your sex life, is essential for stability and joy in the marriages or relationships of those who are approaching midlife; indeed, she claims that the greatest contrast between those who are happily together and those who are splitting up may well lie in the sexual arena. What shows this more clearly than anything else is that couples who are splitting up have usually not had sex for several years.

So when you undergo a romantic renaissance you can expect to be happy, you can expect to be energized, and you can expect to go through the feelings of an adolescent in love for the first time. You can make a real connection with a person who understands you and who wants to be with you, a person who thinks you’re the brightest thing on the planet’s surface….. and if lust sweeps over you in this phase of romance, then so much the better!

Lust is a natural human desire for physical connection and sexual satisfaction. Within a woman it can remain dormant for a long long time — many decades in fact — but it is always there to be revived and renewed when the right circumstances unfold.

Many older women now feel free to date younger, sometimes much younger, men. In a way this is a rebalancing of the equation that has existed for decades whereby it’s been quite acceptable for older men to date younger women, while those women who were seeking younger male partners were criticized. Women looking for younger men are often divorced women who’ve lived a life with no emotional intimacy.

They are now looking for fun, for flirtation, for somebody to actually appreciate or even idealize them; they may want somebody who shares their interests or they may want somebody who isn’t threatened by their achievements and isn’t dependent on them. Being able to use online dating services has enabled women to achieve this unexpected new freedom, and allowed them to find excitement, passion and often rejuvenation.

And while these romances may not be permanent, they can be transformative: in my work with both men and women I’ve known many individuals who have said that a single relationship, whether short-term or long-term — sometimes only for an evening or a night — has actually acted as a catalyst for the release of a whole series of transformative experiences, often sexual in nature. For those over 50 who have been part of a long-term relationship, sex may have become routine and boring.

There are few things more exciting than a young passionate lover, one whose adeptness at making love both gives you great pleasure and teaches you new techniques. But while the possibility of finding true love  exists in such a relationship, it’s much more likely that relationships like this serve as catalysts for personal development.